when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
