My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
