dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
