he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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