One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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