The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
