She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
