I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
