Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
