oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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