I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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