Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You don't make any sense
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