I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
