Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
