Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
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Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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