So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
