I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
