Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
