uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
