You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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