You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
