I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
