I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
