no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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