I think I won the penis lottery.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
