I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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