Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
