Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
