Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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