I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
