Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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