apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
