So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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