Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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