They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
