Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
