Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
