the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
