Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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