separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
