so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
