I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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