new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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