your parents love me but you hate me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
