Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
