I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
