i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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