You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
