Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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