i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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