went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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