If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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