I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
