i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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