totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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