this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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