I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
